There's so much for me to say. I don't know if I'd have enough time in a day to figure out how to organize all my words.
At 29 years old, so much has lapsed in between the shit that has gone on in my life. I'm so distant from a lot of the negative experiences that have occurred to me, the memories are faded, like black ink turning grey on a yellowing piece of paper, curled at the corners (oh gosh, have i still retained my AP english writing capabilities??). I don't even know where to begin. The beginning seems logical. but the past seems so irrelevant. Hasn't it shaped me though into the person I am today? So many years of repeating my past to multiple strangers trained to psychoanalyze who I am.
I 'm tired of the past representing who I am today. I'm resistant to the idea of discussing it further. Can I just ignore everything? I'm tired of it.
Deflecting from the issues at hand, I think I'll just make a list of all the things I am tired of and then think about what I can do to fix them.
1. obsessing about my looks. specifically,
-at all times, my size/weight/stomach/hips/butt/thighs/
2.my past. specifically,
-the incidents with men that were unwanted.
3.my biracial identity and what others view me as or not as
4.not getting enough sleep
5.feeling so lonely
6.lack of friends that would do anything for me.
i used to have one. and things got screwed up so much. fucked up. i'm so sorry for what happened with that.
7.food/eating issues. overeating. binging.purging.
8.my constant battle with moodswings. my hormonal imbalances.
9.sexual identity
that's all i can think of for now.
