Thank you God for giving me the insight and the experiences that lead me to where I am in life. I've been through a lot of shit and I'm still struggling with weaknesses but I must say
PAXIL has helped me so much.
this is my week of PMS and my anxiety has come and gone and so has some depression but it's not like before. it's not devastating. obsessive thoughts have entered my thought about my body and weight but they don't linger for long.
i understand paxil is giving me the push forward, the extra energy to help me make new healthy habits to replace my old negative destructive habits. instead of reaching out for alcohol or male attention downtown or facebook or drugs, i force myself to exercise and eat healthy and call healthy family and friends.
i'm not satisfied with where i am with life but i feel......relaxed.
i can finally
breathe.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
nope
today is just no good. i'm holding up but this smile is fake and the efforts i am trying to make are not felt. i'm going through the motions of living , numb. i know tomorrow can be a better day. but for today, i stay in here, anxiously eating peanuts and apples and downloading books to my kindle. i simply do not have any energy to get dressed to go out today. i was able to this morning. but today, i guess i am having an emotional mental state of mind. trying to distract it with reading and writing and peeling peanuts.
pathetic.
pathetic.
i fucking hate my life. i hate what i've done to it. i fucking hate this.
regression? progression? i do not wish to remain stagnant in my position in life. in ALL areas of my life.
i redid my resume. i think it is satisfactory now. i applied to two places online. i will be attending a hospital court hearing on wednesday morning. i want OUT of my job. i want Nick to tell me he loves me. I want my marriage back. I want friends. i want a social life. i want to start boot camp. i want to feel like i am
moving
forward.
therefore, from the list above, i will do what i can with the things i DO have control over.
my job
boot camp
as for my marriage, i will behave in a manner that will assist me in POSSIBLY achieve the love from Nick, and the marriage being fixed.
regression? progression? i do not wish to remain stagnant in my position in life. in ALL areas of my life.
i redid my resume. i think it is satisfactory now. i applied to two places online. i will be attending a hospital court hearing on wednesday morning. i want OUT of my job. i want Nick to tell me he loves me. I want my marriage back. I want friends. i want a social life. i want to start boot camp. i want to feel like i am
moving
forward.
therefore, from the list above, i will do what i can with the things i DO have control over.
my job
boot camp
as for my marriage, i will behave in a manner that will assist me in POSSIBLY achieve the love from Nick, and the marriage being fixed.
i'm sorry
i made a huge error that fucked up my marriage. i fucked up and i am paying the price.
i'm sorry.
i want to work on this marriage. i still do.
today is not a happy day. but there is no guarantee in life that every day will be happy, that every day will be perfect.
I'm so sorry.
i'm sorry.
i want to work on this marriage. i still do.
today is not a happy day. but there is no guarantee in life that every day will be happy, that every day will be perfect.
I'm so sorry.
an 8 out of 10
Today my anxiety level can be described as at 8 on a scale of 10, with 10 being a full out panic attack or crying fits and throwing up hell.
I went to the hospital today at 8am and was told I was not needed and that the social worker had contacted where I used to intern at. of course, no one bothered to tell me not to come in on monday.
so i came home, ate and drank water, with the intent of going to the gym. instead, depressed, i laid back down and slept.
that's when i woke up in a state of panic. my heart was racing fast. i was dreaming about a little boy that was crying and i was trying to comfort him.
after that i called nick, but i can tell he's in an angry mood still and wants nothing to do with me.
since then, my heart has felt like it's about to leap out of my chest. i feel like puking. like, not induce puking but i feel nauseous and sick and frightened. i'm dressed in gym clothes and i'll probably go to the gym or maybe work up the courage to go to lake eola and feed the swans. but i can tell. i am in a MOOD today as well, not an angry mood but a sad and depressed anxious mood. If I could, I'd go back to bed and sleep. But I know that will do me no good. i need to get my endorphins going, i need to cleanse my thoughts and just feel my body moving, my blood pumping, make my heart have a positive reason for racing so fast in my chest.
I've been praying during every waking moment today for help from God. I pray to him to help Nick and to help me with our marriage, to guide us together to rebuilding it, with an even stronger foundation than before.
God, please help us.
I went to the hospital today at 8am and was told I was not needed and that the social worker had contacted where I used to intern at. of course, no one bothered to tell me not to come in on monday.
so i came home, ate and drank water, with the intent of going to the gym. instead, depressed, i laid back down and slept.
that's when i woke up in a state of panic. my heart was racing fast. i was dreaming about a little boy that was crying and i was trying to comfort him.
after that i called nick, but i can tell he's in an angry mood still and wants nothing to do with me.
since then, my heart has felt like it's about to leap out of my chest. i feel like puking. like, not induce puking but i feel nauseous and sick and frightened. i'm dressed in gym clothes and i'll probably go to the gym or maybe work up the courage to go to lake eola and feed the swans. but i can tell. i am in a MOOD today as well, not an angry mood but a sad and depressed anxious mood. If I could, I'd go back to bed and sleep. But I know that will do me no good. i need to get my endorphins going, i need to cleanse my thoughts and just feel my body moving, my blood pumping, make my heart have a positive reason for racing so fast in my chest.
I've been praying during every waking moment today for help from God. I pray to him to help Nick and to help me with our marriage, to guide us together to rebuilding it, with an even stronger foundation than before.
God, please help us.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
poisoned
i can't handle this any more. i always said what kept me going was graduating from school. for my parents. was it ever for myself? i loved going to rollins college. we all knew each other, the classmates and professors. they are so caring and nice. i don't know how to become attached to a new goal in life. i want to give up. it's hard to find a new purpose, ALONE. i mean, choosing a goal for myself. not for any one else. completing college was to make my parents proud and to prove to everyone i was smart.
i feel like puking. my nerves are shot. this is all too much for me to take.
i don't want a divorce from Nick.
i want us to work things out.
God, cradle me in your arms today, for despite all the strength i have gathered over these last few years, i am now so weak, and i let my weaknesses show. i recognize i have faults, and that i'm not perfect, and i show these to you and everyone else. i am falling, i have fallen.
God, you've always known the weaknesses of humans, you knew i would fall.
you have faith in us to get back up and be strong again.
it's just right now,
i need to shut my eyes and rest.
i feel like puking. my nerves are shot. this is all too much for me to take.
i don't want a divorce from Nick.
i want us to work things out.
God, cradle me in your arms today, for despite all the strength i have gathered over these last few years, i am now so weak, and i let my weaknesses show. i recognize i have faults, and that i'm not perfect, and i show these to you and everyone else. i am falling, i have fallen.
God, you've always known the weaknesses of humans, you knew i would fall.
you have faith in us to get back up and be strong again.
it's just right now,
i need to shut my eyes and rest.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
judge and jury
we all judge. i have been judged all of my life. strangers have no problem coming up to me and trying to speak to me in some foreign asian language, because of the way i look. i've been told i look like a trashy slut because of my tattoos. people assume i'm good at math. i've been asked if i know karate. customers ask me not once but twice "no, where are you from REALLY?"
my mother's vagina.
i'd say STFU to everyone but that won't stop their thoughts. their constant disapproval. their looks of judgment.
i will wear the scarlet A and still walk with my head high. I am only human after all, perfect with all of my faults.
so step down from your throne bedazzled with your hypocrisy, and give the crown of thorns back to their rightful owner.
because last time I checked, you were not God, let alone Jesus.
my mother's vagina.
i'd say STFU to everyone but that won't stop their thoughts. their constant disapproval. their looks of judgment.
i will wear the scarlet A and still walk with my head high. I am only human after all, perfect with all of my faults.
so step down from your throne bedazzled with your hypocrisy, and give the crown of thorns back to their rightful owner.
because last time I checked, you were not God, let alone Jesus.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
death. or something like it.
so i've been trying to write a paper about suicide and young males , the factors etc. it's been a pain in the ass. it's tedious and tiring and depressing. interspersed with long bouts of celeb gossip searches to take away the depression of reading about suicides.
anxiety since yesterday. it's back. i hate it. i want to feel like i did on wednesday. sure i was woozy and nauseous but i didn't feel anxious. god damn it , the rapid heart rate, feeling like i couldnt breathe, the obsessing, it was GONE.
i want to feel like that again.
i've sat in front of this fucking computer all day long. i can't fucking take it. nick is out with his "friends" for a birthday celebration. obviously i was not invited.
i'm not supposed to touch alcohol or any other mind altering substances (unless otherwise prescribed to me) EVER again in my ENTIRE life. until i can actually handle it. if that ever happens.
i broke down and had one cigarette. but it didnt do much for me. i want to feel sedated. not amped up. damn it damn it!! i feel so helpless. i have no one to turn to right now, besides God. I'm sorry God. one sided conversations don't always help. well, i guess this blog is a one sided conversation to no one.
God, I don't know how to deal with these feelings of rejections. that's how it all started. i remember i had a crush on someone in high school and they invited me out for halloween and i waited at home all night for them to call me and they never did. i felt so rejected, unwanted, hopeless, pathetic, depressed. that was around the time i started bad habits. God, I want alcohol so badly right now. Or anything to change this state of mind.
i'm 29 years old. i'll be 30 years old next year. I'm really getting fucking old fast. i don't feel 30. I still feel like a total young fuck up. but i guess old people can be fuck ups too.
i just want these anxious feelings to go away. i wish i could type this much this fast for my school project. maybe now the words will start pouring out once i'm done here, and switch over to my suicide paper. god. wtf did i have to choose suicide? because of Nick. i still will never know for sure what happened that night.
God, as we get older, we get closer to you. in Death, do we find you finally?
anxiety since yesterday. it's back. i hate it. i want to feel like i did on wednesday. sure i was woozy and nauseous but i didn't feel anxious. god damn it , the rapid heart rate, feeling like i couldnt breathe, the obsessing, it was GONE.
i want to feel like that again.
i've sat in front of this fucking computer all day long. i can't fucking take it. nick is out with his "friends" for a birthday celebration. obviously i was not invited.
i'm not supposed to touch alcohol or any other mind altering substances (unless otherwise prescribed to me) EVER again in my ENTIRE life. until i can actually handle it. if that ever happens.
i broke down and had one cigarette. but it didnt do much for me. i want to feel sedated. not amped up. damn it damn it!! i feel so helpless. i have no one to turn to right now, besides God. I'm sorry God. one sided conversations don't always help. well, i guess this blog is a one sided conversation to no one.
God, I don't know how to deal with these feelings of rejections. that's how it all started. i remember i had a crush on someone in high school and they invited me out for halloween and i waited at home all night for them to call me and they never did. i felt so rejected, unwanted, hopeless, pathetic, depressed. that was around the time i started bad habits. God, I want alcohol so badly right now. Or anything to change this state of mind.
i'm 29 years old. i'll be 30 years old next year. I'm really getting fucking old fast. i don't feel 30. I still feel like a total young fuck up. but i guess old people can be fuck ups too.
i just want these anxious feelings to go away. i wish i could type this much this fast for my school project. maybe now the words will start pouring out once i'm done here, and switch over to my suicide paper. god. wtf did i have to choose suicide? because of Nick. i still will never know for sure what happened that night.
God, as we get older, we get closer to you. in Death, do we find you finally?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
it worked
idle hands are the devil's playground...or something like that.
i think i will go the AA meeting this sunday. Nothing to lose, except time. Everything to gain.
the medicine isn't making me sleepy. i cant sleep. i'm worried about nick.
i think i will go the AA meeting this sunday. Nothing to lose, except time. Everything to gain.
the medicine isn't making me sleepy. i cant sleep. i'm worried about nick.
confessions
I have a problem. I'm a people pleaser. and an alcoholic. I have fucked up priorities. I have so many faults. And I have no friends. In the end this is where I always end up. Alone. Is this what I want? Do i cause these things on purpose so I can wallow in my own misery alone?
I never had friends growing up. I was always different. People don't like me. I have to work at being likable. It doesn't come naturally to me.
i don't know. I want friends but there really aren't many people I'd even want to be friends with.
I am rambling because it helps get rid of the pressure and anxiety building up inside of me. I used to write a lot when I was younger. I remember I enjoyed writing even when I was a little girl. Somewhere along the way I let go of writing. I used to write poetry and stories all the time. God, maybe this is a way for me to get out my feelings when I am alone and scared. Am I learning now how to cope with my anxieties alone? I hope so.
Fuck. A wu tang song just came on the internet radio. And now I am sad that Nick still has the c.d., damn it. Rap is becoming a favorite of mine. The lyrics are just so ridiculous but when the rappers are good, theyre also so fucking amazing. poetic and vulgar. I love it.
My favorite poet is Anne Sexton.
My favorite classes in school were my English Classes.
My favorite foods are dumplings, chips, hummus, cheese, french fries.
My favorite colors are blues and greens (like the ocean...)
My favorite animals are swans and cats (when I die I want to be reincarnated as a swan...swans have lifelong partners....love forever...)
I hate thongs because they stick to my butt.
I hate blondes because I can never be a blonde. And blondes are seen as more bubbly and outgoing and popular.
I hate raw celery and capers.
My favorite books are The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood and Invisible Monsters by Chuck Pahalniuk.
.I had love and it was ruined. Can it be fixed? From destruction can grow great forests. Even the fires that burn the trees to the ground help to fertilize new growth, rebirth. Can our love be rebirthed again, together?
I never had friends growing up. I was always different. People don't like me. I have to work at being likable. It doesn't come naturally to me.
i don't know. I want friends but there really aren't many people I'd even want to be friends with.
I am rambling because it helps get rid of the pressure and anxiety building up inside of me. I used to write a lot when I was younger. I remember I enjoyed writing even when I was a little girl. Somewhere along the way I let go of writing. I used to write poetry and stories all the time. God, maybe this is a way for me to get out my feelings when I am alone and scared. Am I learning now how to cope with my anxieties alone? I hope so.
Fuck. A wu tang song just came on the internet radio. And now I am sad that Nick still has the c.d., damn it. Rap is becoming a favorite of mine. The lyrics are just so ridiculous but when the rappers are good, theyre also so fucking amazing. poetic and vulgar. I love it.
My favorite poet is Anne Sexton.
My favorite classes in school were my English Classes.
My favorite foods are dumplings, chips, hummus, cheese, french fries.
My favorite colors are blues and greens (like the ocean...)
My favorite animals are swans and cats (when I die I want to be reincarnated as a swan...swans have lifelong partners....love forever...)
I hate thongs because they stick to my butt.
I hate blondes because I can never be a blonde. And blondes are seen as more bubbly and outgoing and popular.
I hate raw celery and capers.
My favorite books are The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood and Invisible Monsters by Chuck Pahalniuk.
.I had love and it was ruined. Can it be fixed? From destruction can grow great forests. Even the fires that burn the trees to the ground help to fertilize new growth, rebirth. Can our love be rebirthed again, together?
despair without tears
Hello God. I'm not Christian or Jewish or Catholic. I'm barely a Buddhist. Buddhism seems to be more philosophical in nature any how.
I'm talking to you because I feel I have no one else right now. You're always there for me. I feel lost. I want help with my map of life. Is there free will or are our destinies already mapped out? Do we have one giant map in which we are free to wander? Various paths that have been preselected but up to us ultimately, which path we will select? Some must intertwine. Some must divide and disappear into darkness.
I'm not quite sure where I'm supposed to be going with Nick. I hear from him that he is hurting because of the things I did. I hurt for a long time too. We both hurt.
To be 100% honest (if nick reads this or anyone else), I want to fight for my marriage. OUR MARRIAGE. I know I fucked up (sorry God) many times. God, you forgive me. I guess my lesson here is that I can only ask for forgiveness from Nick. I can only ask.... Just as I can only ask you for your help, I can pray to you. In the end though, you always show me that I have had what I wanted all along, within me, or within arms reach. We get so blinded by distractions, which I believe are the devil's doing. Not a "devil" persay with the horns and pitchfork, not evil even. But devil, i think I mean our own lies and deceptions that we tell ourselves. Sure we tell lies to others, I've told lies to Nick and plenty of other people. And it hurts. I think it hurts even more when we lie to ourselves...when we lead a life of inauthenticity, we can never truly be honest with anyone else.
I'm not quite sure what I mean by all this rambling. I think I'm feeling anxious. Ok, I'm lying. I am feeling anxious. Without Nick, I feel like nothing. When I was with Nick in the past, the pain and hurt....it wasn't his fault....my anxiety. my excuses. his inability to meet my needs, his depression...his excuses.
but are they excuses if there are actual physical reasons behind our mental illnesses??
(reminder side note, dont forget this song, the naked and famous, song title punching in a dream.)
What do I deserve?
I know my heart is good, just my actions sometimes are bad.
So what can I do to make sure my heart matches my actions?
God, help me.
I'm talking to you because I feel I have no one else right now. You're always there for me. I feel lost. I want help with my map of life. Is there free will or are our destinies already mapped out? Do we have one giant map in which we are free to wander? Various paths that have been preselected but up to us ultimately, which path we will select? Some must intertwine. Some must divide and disappear into darkness.
I'm not quite sure where I'm supposed to be going with Nick. I hear from him that he is hurting because of the things I did. I hurt for a long time too. We both hurt.
To be 100% honest (if nick reads this or anyone else), I want to fight for my marriage. OUR MARRIAGE. I know I fucked up (sorry God) many times. God, you forgive me. I guess my lesson here is that I can only ask for forgiveness from Nick. I can only ask.... Just as I can only ask you for your help, I can pray to you. In the end though, you always show me that I have had what I wanted all along, within me, or within arms reach. We get so blinded by distractions, which I believe are the devil's doing. Not a "devil" persay with the horns and pitchfork, not evil even. But devil, i think I mean our own lies and deceptions that we tell ourselves. Sure we tell lies to others, I've told lies to Nick and plenty of other people. And it hurts. I think it hurts even more when we lie to ourselves...when we lead a life of inauthenticity, we can never truly be honest with anyone else.
I'm not quite sure what I mean by all this rambling. I think I'm feeling anxious. Ok, I'm lying. I am feeling anxious. Without Nick, I feel like nothing. When I was with Nick in the past, the pain and hurt....it wasn't his fault....my anxiety. my excuses. his inability to meet my needs, his depression...his excuses.
but are they excuses if there are actual physical reasons behind our mental illnesses??
(reminder side note, dont forget this song, the naked and famous, song title punching in a dream.)
What do I deserve?
I know my heart is good, just my actions sometimes are bad.
So what can I do to make sure my heart matches my actions?
God, help me.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
so much to say
There's so much for me to say. I don't know if I'd have enough time in a day to figure out how to organize all my words.
At 29 years old, so much has lapsed in between the shit that has gone on in my life. I'm so distant from a lot of the negative experiences that have occurred to me, the memories are faded, like black ink turning grey on a yellowing piece of paper, curled at the corners (oh gosh, have i still retained my AP english writing capabilities??). I don't even know where to begin. The beginning seems logical. but the past seems so irrelevant. Hasn't it shaped me though into the person I am today? So many years of repeating my past to multiple strangers trained to psychoanalyze who I am.
I 'm tired of the past representing who I am today. I'm resistant to the idea of discussing it further. Can I just ignore everything? I'm tired of it.
Deflecting from the issues at hand, I think I'll just make a list of all the things I am tired of and then think about what I can do to fix them.
1. obsessing about my looks. specifically,
-at all times, my size/weight/stomach/hips/butt/thighs/
2.my past. specifically,
-the incidents with men that were unwanted.
3.my biracial identity and what others view me as or not as
4.not getting enough sleep
5.feeling so lonely
6.lack of friends that would do anything for me.
i used to have one. and things got screwed up so much. fucked up. i'm so sorry for what happened with that.
7.food/eating issues. overeating. binging.purging.
8.my constant battle with moodswings. my hormonal imbalances.
9.sexual identity
that's all i can think of for now.
At 29 years old, so much has lapsed in between the shit that has gone on in my life. I'm so distant from a lot of the negative experiences that have occurred to me, the memories are faded, like black ink turning grey on a yellowing piece of paper, curled at the corners (oh gosh, have i still retained my AP english writing capabilities??). I don't even know where to begin. The beginning seems logical. but the past seems so irrelevant. Hasn't it shaped me though into the person I am today? So many years of repeating my past to multiple strangers trained to psychoanalyze who I am.
I 'm tired of the past representing who I am today. I'm resistant to the idea of discussing it further. Can I just ignore everything? I'm tired of it.
Deflecting from the issues at hand, I think I'll just make a list of all the things I am tired of and then think about what I can do to fix them.
1. obsessing about my looks. specifically,
-at all times, my size/weight/stomach/hips/butt/thighs/
2.my past. specifically,
-the incidents with men that were unwanted.
3.my biracial identity and what others view me as or not as
4.not getting enough sleep
5.feeling so lonely
6.lack of friends that would do anything for me.
i used to have one. and things got screwed up so much. fucked up. i'm so sorry for what happened with that.
7.food/eating issues. overeating. binging.purging.
8.my constant battle with moodswings. my hormonal imbalances.
9.sexual identity
that's all i can think of for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)