confessions

I have a problem. I'm a people pleaser. and an alcoholic. I have fucked up priorities. I have so many faults. And I have no friends. In the end this is where I always end up. Alone. Is this what I want? Do i cause these things on purpose so I can wallow in my own misery alone?
I never had friends growing up. I was always different. People don't like me. I have to work at being likable. It doesn't come naturally to me.
i don't know. I want friends but there really aren't many people I'd even want to be friends with.

I am rambling because it helps get rid of the pressure and anxiety building up inside of me. I used to write a lot when I was younger. I remember I enjoyed writing even when I was a little girl. Somewhere along the way I let go of writing. I used to write poetry and stories all the time. God, maybe this is a way for me to get out my feelings when I am alone and scared. Am I learning now how to cope with my anxieties alone? I hope so.

Fuck. A wu tang song just came on the internet radio. And now I am sad that Nick still has the c.d., damn it. Rap is becoming a favorite of mine. The lyrics are just so ridiculous but when the rappers are good, theyre also so fucking amazing. poetic and vulgar. I love it.

My favorite poet is Anne Sexton.
My favorite classes in school were my English Classes.
My favorite foods are dumplings, chips, hummus, cheese, french fries.
My favorite colors are blues and greens (like the ocean...)
My favorite animals are swans and cats (when I die I want to be reincarnated as a swan...swans have lifelong partners....love forever...)

I hate thongs because they stick to my butt.
I hate blondes because I can never be a blonde. And blondes are seen as more bubbly and outgoing and popular.
I hate raw celery and capers.

My favorite books are The Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood and Invisible Monsters by Chuck Pahalniuk.

.I had love and it was ruined. Can it be fixed? From destruction can grow great forests. Even the fires that burn the trees to the ground help to fertilize new growth, rebirth. Can our love be rebirthed again, together?