death. or something like it.

so i've been trying to write a paper about suicide and young males , the factors etc. it's been a pain in the ass. it's tedious and tiring and depressing. interspersed with long bouts of celeb gossip searches to take away the depression of reading about suicides.
anxiety since yesterday. it's back. i hate it. i want to feel like i did on wednesday. sure i was woozy and nauseous but i didn't feel anxious. god damn it , the rapid heart rate, feeling like i couldnt breathe, the obsessing, it was GONE.
i want to feel like that again.
i've sat in front of this fucking computer all day long. i can't fucking take it. nick is out with his "friends" for a birthday celebration. obviously i was not invited.

i'm not supposed to touch alcohol or any other mind altering substances (unless otherwise prescribed to me) EVER again in my ENTIRE life. until i can actually handle it. if that ever happens.


i broke down and had one cigarette. but it didnt do much for me. i want to feel sedated. not amped up. damn it damn it!! i feel so helpless. i have no one to turn to right now, besides God. I'm sorry God. one sided conversations don't always help. well, i guess this blog is a one sided conversation to no one.

God, I don't know how to deal with these feelings of rejections. that's how it all started. i remember i had a crush on someone in high school and they invited me out for halloween and i waited at home all night for them to call me and they never did. i felt so rejected, unwanted, hopeless, pathetic, depressed. that was around the time i started bad habits. God, I want alcohol so badly right now. Or anything to change this state of mind.

i'm 29 years old. i'll be 30 years old next year. I'm really getting fucking old fast. i don't feel 30. I still feel like a total young fuck up. but i guess old people can be fuck ups too.
i just want these anxious feelings to go away. i wish i could type this much this fast for my school project. maybe now the words will start pouring out once i'm done here, and switch over to my suicide paper. god. wtf did i have to choose suicide? because of Nick. i still will never know for sure what happened that night.

God, as we get older, we get closer to you. in Death, do we find you finally?