Today my anxiety level can be described as at 8 on a scale of 10, with 10 being a full out panic attack or crying fits and throwing up hell.
I went to the hospital today at 8am and was told I was not needed and that the social worker had contacted where I used to intern at. of course, no one bothered to tell me not to come in on monday.
so i came home, ate and drank water, with the intent of going to the gym. instead, depressed, i laid back down and slept.
that's when i woke up in a state of panic. my heart was racing fast. i was dreaming about a little boy that was crying and i was trying to comfort him.
after that i called nick, but i can tell he's in an angry mood still and wants nothing to do with me.
since then, my heart has felt like it's about to leap out of my chest. i feel like puking. like, not induce puking but i feel nauseous and sick and frightened. i'm dressed in gym clothes and i'll probably go to the gym or maybe work up the courage to go to lake eola and feed the swans. but i can tell. i am in a MOOD today as well, not an angry mood but a sad and depressed anxious mood. If I could, I'd go back to bed and sleep. But I know that will do me no good. i need to get my endorphins going, i need to cleanse my thoughts and just feel my body moving, my blood pumping, make my heart have a positive reason for racing so fast in my chest.
I've been praying during every waking moment today for help from God. I pray to him to help Nick and to help me with our marriage, to guide us together to rebuilding it, with an even stronger foundation than before.
God, please help us.
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