my savior

Thank you God for giving me the insight and the experiences that lead me to where I am in life. I've been through a lot of shit and I'm still struggling with weaknesses but I must say

PAXIL has helped me so much.
this is my week of PMS and my anxiety has come and gone and so has some depression but it's not like before. it's not devastating. obsessive thoughts have entered my thought about my body and weight but they don't linger for long.


i understand paxil is giving me the push forward, the extra energy to help me make new healthy habits to replace my old negative destructive habits. instead of reaching out for alcohol or male attention downtown or facebook or drugs, i force myself to exercise and eat healthy and call healthy family and friends.

i'm not satisfied with where i am with life but i feel......relaxed.

i can finally
breathe.

nope

today is just no good. i'm holding up but this smile is fake and the efforts i am trying to make are not felt. i'm going through the motions of living , numb. i know tomorrow can be a better day. but for today, i stay in here, anxiously eating peanuts and apples and downloading books to my kindle. i simply do not have any energy to get dressed to go out today. i was able to this morning. but today, i guess i am having an emotional mental state of mind. trying to distract it with reading and writing and peeling peanuts.
pathetic.

i fucking hate my life. i  hate what i've done to it. i fucking hate this.

regression? progression? i do not wish to remain stagnant in my position in life. in ALL areas of my life.
i redid my resume. i think it is satisfactory now. i applied to two places online. i will be attending a hospital court hearing on wednesday morning. i want OUT of my job. i want Nick to tell me he loves me. I want my marriage back. I want friends. i want a social life. i want to start boot camp. i want to feel like i am
moving
forward.
therefore, from the list above, i will do what i can with the things i DO have control over.
my job
boot camp
as for my marriage, i will behave in a manner that will assist me in POSSIBLY achieve the love from Nick, and the marriage being fixed.

nails

i painted my nails grapevine color. i never paint my nails. keeping my hands moving helps.

i'm sorry

i made a huge error that fucked up my marriage. i fucked up and i am paying the price.
i'm sorry.

i want to work on this marriage. i still do.

today is not a happy day. but there is no guarantee in life that every day will be happy, that every day will be perfect.



I'm so sorry.

an 8 out of 10

Today my anxiety level can be described as at 8 on a scale of 10, with 10 being a full out panic attack or crying fits and throwing up hell.
I went to the hospital today at 8am and was told I was not needed and that the social worker had contacted where I used to intern at. of course, no one bothered to tell me not to come in on monday.
so i came home, ate and drank water, with the intent of going to the gym. instead, depressed, i laid back down and slept.
that's when i woke up in a state of panic. my heart was racing fast. i was dreaming about a little boy that was crying and i was trying to comfort him.
after that i called nick,  but i can tell he's in an angry mood still and wants nothing to do with me.

since then, my heart has felt like it's about to leap out of my chest. i feel like puking. like, not induce puking but i feel nauseous and sick and frightened. i'm dressed in gym clothes and i'll probably go to the gym or maybe work up the courage to go to lake eola and feed the swans. but i can tell. i am in a MOOD today as well, not an angry mood but a sad and depressed anxious mood. If I could, I'd go back to bed and sleep. But I know that will do me no good. i need to get my endorphins going, i need to cleanse my thoughts and just feel my body moving, my blood pumping, make my heart have a positive reason for racing so fast in my chest.

I've been praying during every waking moment today for help from God. I pray to him to help Nick and to help me with our marriage, to guide us together to rebuilding it, with an even stronger foundation than before.

God, please help us.

poisoned

i can't handle this any more. i always said what kept me going was graduating from school. for my parents. was it ever for myself? i loved going to rollins college. we all knew each other, the classmates and professors. they are so caring and nice. i don't know how to become attached to a new goal in life. i want to give up. it's hard to find a new purpose, ALONE. i mean, choosing a goal for myself. not for any one else. completing college was to make my parents proud and to prove to everyone i was smart.


i feel like puking. my nerves are shot. this is all too much for me to take.
i don't want a divorce from Nick.
i want us to work things out.



God, cradle me in your arms today, for despite all the strength i have gathered over these last few years, i am now so weak, and i let my weaknesses show. i recognize i have faults, and that i'm not perfect, and i show these to you and everyone else. i am falling, i have fallen.
 God, you've always known the weaknesses of humans, you knew i would fall.
you have faith in us to get back up and be strong again.


it's just right now,
i need to shut my eyes and rest.