despair without tears

Hello God. I'm not Christian or Jewish or Catholic. I'm barely a Buddhist. Buddhism seems to be more philosophical in nature any how.
I'm talking to you because I feel I have no one else right now. You're always there for me. I feel lost. I want help with my map of life. Is there free will or are our destinies already mapped out? Do we have one giant map in which we are free to wander? Various paths that have been preselected but up to us ultimately, which path we will select? Some must intertwine. Some must divide and disappear into darkness.


I'm not quite sure where I'm supposed to be going with Nick. I hear from him that he is hurting because of the things I did. I hurt for a long time too. We both hurt.

To be 100% honest (if nick reads this or anyone else), I want to fight for my marriage. OUR MARRIAGE. I know I fucked up (sorry God) many times. God, you forgive me. I guess my lesson here is that I can only ask for forgiveness from Nick. I can only ask.... Just as I can only ask you for your help, I can pray to you. In the end though, you always show me that I have had what I wanted all along, within me, or within arms reach. We get so blinded by distractions, which I believe are the devil's doing. Not a "devil" persay with the horns and pitchfork, not evil even. But devil, i think I mean our own lies and deceptions that we tell ourselves. Sure we tell lies to others, I've told lies to Nick and plenty of other people. And it hurts. I think it hurts even more when we lie to ourselves...when we lead a life of inauthenticity, we can never truly be honest with anyone else.


I'm not quite sure what I mean by all this rambling. I think I'm feeling anxious. Ok, I'm lying. I am feeling anxious. Without Nick, I feel like nothing. When I was with Nick in the past, the pain and hurt....it wasn't his fault....my anxiety. my excuses.  his inability to meet my needs, his depression...his excuses.
but are they excuses if there are actual physical reasons behind our mental illnesses??

(reminder side note, dont forget this song, the naked and famous, song title punching in a dream.)

What do I deserve?

I know my heart is good, just my actions sometimes are bad. 
So what can I do to make sure my heart matches my actions?


God, help me.